When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
It be like that sometimes 😆
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Storm Tropical Storm
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on