Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
where do you see yourself in five years?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.