SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?