We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?