@YSylon

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

@YSylon

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

@YSylon

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

@YSylon

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

@YSylon

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

@YSylon

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

@YSylon

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

@YSylon

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

@YSylon

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

@YSylon

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?