its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.