This makes total sense…
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triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Every haunted house movie:
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.