me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit