SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Dance like you’re not the father
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Steam Forums
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?