Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”