The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)