I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
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Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”