My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.