if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
True.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.