[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there