@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

@YesItsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

@YesItsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.