Me: hello refrigerator, may I have some ice cubes

Refrigerator: how many

Me: idk like four

Refrigerator: you may have four (voice turns evil while dispensing) HUNDRED


Me: what’s the dress code

Wife: casual



Me: so-

Wife: no you may not wear your sword


My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd


[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol


RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning


[thinking about humanity]

we should all help each other

[thinking about individual humans]

well maybe not


Which candidate will get rid of these damn fruit flies


*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*