Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us

Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : [being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

@Ygrene: Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@Ygrene: [being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

@Ygrene: [forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@Ygrene: When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

@Ygrene: The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@Ygrene: [when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

@Ygrene: Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

@Ygrene: [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL