Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me* Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

@Ygrene: [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

@Ygrene: [Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@Ygrene: Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

@Ygrene: Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

@Ygrene: Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

@Ygrene: [first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@Ygrene: [forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

@Ygrene: [robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally