@Ygrene

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

@Ygrene

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

@Ygrene

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

@Ygrene

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

@Ygrene

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

@Ygrene

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

@Ygrene

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@Ygrene

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God