Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@Ygrene: [being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

@Ygrene: [forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@Ygrene: When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

@Ygrene: The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@Ygrene: [when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

@Ygrene: Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

@Ygrene: [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

@Ygrene: [Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*