Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Me: so what else are you lying about
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A