@Ygrene

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

@Ygrene

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

@Ygrene

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@Ygrene

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

@Ygrene

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

@Ygrene

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

@Ygrene

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

@Ygrene

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A