Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
forgive me baja for i have blast
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”