Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@Ygrene : [Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
@Ygrene: Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
@Ygrene: Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
@Ygrene: Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
@Ygrene: [first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
@Ygrene: [forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
@Ygrene: [robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
@Ygrene: Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
@Ygrene: Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
There is only one rule, it should be funny, you can submit your own tweet or one you think is funny.
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FunnyTweeter.com is a daily updated collection of funniest tweets from all over the world. We did not write these tweets, all credit goes to the original authors, follow them and encourage them to tweet more :)
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