Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : [Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@Ygrene: Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

@Ygrene: Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

@Ygrene: Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

@Ygrene: [first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@Ygrene: [forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

@Ygrene: [robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

@Ygrene: Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

@Ygrene: Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day