@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@Ygrene

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@Ygrene

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

@Ygrene

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

@Ygrene

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

@Ygrene

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@Ygrene

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

@Ygrene

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44