@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@Ygrene

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@Ygrene

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@Ygrene

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

@Ygrene

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

@Ygrene

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL