@Ygrene

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@Ygrene

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

@Ygrene

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

@Ygrene

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@Ygrene

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

@Ygrene

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

@Ygrene

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

@Ygrene

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA