Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Ygrene's best tweets

@Ygrene : [to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

@Ygrene: Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

@Ygrene: Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

@Ygrene: Me: big day today
Brain: we're ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote 'gren' on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don't blow it today

@Ygrene: Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

@Ygrene: In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

@Ygrene: [safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

@Ygrene: [my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

@Ygrene: Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@Ygrene: [being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife