@Ygrene : [to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Follow @Ygrene
@Ygrene: Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
@Ygrene: Me: big day today
Brain: we're ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote 'gren' on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don't blow it today
@Ygrene: Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
@Ygrene: In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
@Ygrene: [safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
@Ygrene: Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
@Ygrene: [being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife