@Ygrene [first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
@Ygrene [sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
@Ygrene Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
@Ygrene [McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
@Ygrene [squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
@Ygrene [being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
@Ygrene [an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
@Ygrene [to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
@Ygrene Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
@Ygrene Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA