[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.