You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I can’t stop watching this.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.