ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.