*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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Don’t we all.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
The first one, obviously
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up