I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
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Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick