Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?