Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
same bro
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.