“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
#SuperBowl
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her