[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
You Might Also Like
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.