Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.