Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The cashier just checked me out.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.