[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-