My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?