Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.