Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
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I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes