@ZackBornstein

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

@ZackBornstein

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

@ZackBornstein

It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic

@ZackBornstein

OMG my 5-year-old just put down her Legos and said “I was willing to give Joe Biden the benefit of the doubt from his time with Obama, but openly praising Dick Cheney, who orchestrated the legal precedent for torture, war crimes, and exacerbating global warming is disqualifying.”

@ZackBornstein

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

@ZackBornstein

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

@ZackBornstein

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.