I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Stick it to the man
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.