Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”