Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
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I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless