goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.