This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂