[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
You Might Also Like
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this