I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart