That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
can you read it!!??
maan!
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.