me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
You Might Also Like
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
they finally got him. they got macavity
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
You got this…
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.