Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
You Might Also Like
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Day 2 of my diet
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.