*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Always
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
12653.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
i will avenge u mr van gogh
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.