Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.
Me: let’s try to catch snowflakes on our tongues!
Wife: but we’re inside.?.
Me: shhhh, just close your eyes.
Me: Did you have a shirt on when you said it?
Wife: I was naked, just out of the shower.
Me: And you expected me to remember what you said?
Me: You know what cures a headache right?
Me: You know what else cures a headache?
Me: You know what else ……
Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.
Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid.