Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.