I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
You Might Also Like
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling